My Contemplation

Friendship and Love, two most complicated relationship between a guy and a girl. If someone ask to define love or define friendship what would be your answer? If we follow the dictionary, Friendship is defined as "The state of being friends". So now what is the definition of "Friend"? The answer is - "A person you know well and regard with affection and trust". Very interesting, keep this in your memory for some time, in particular the use of word "affection" and now lets see how love is defined. Love - "Have a great affection or liking for" as a verb and "A strong positive emotion of regard and affection" as a noun.

Now can any enlightened person in the entire world through some light and of course enlighten us on the difference between love and friendship. I bet if there is any?

In my recent conversation with one of my friend, she told that a guy and a girl can never be good friends. Same statement was said by one of my old friend few years back, and I strongly argued them on it. I am bit stubborn, at least on some points; and so in end either the discussion stopped or I won, just kidding.

Sometimes if I give a thought, in fact a deep thought on it, I feel they are right. If a guy and a girl gets close, they can never be friends any more. Though they get close claiming to be the best friends but they can never continue doing so for their entire life. And if they do so, there must be some reason behind it, like either a girl  or a guy get married to someone else or must be in love with someone else, or they both get departed by getting relocated to new place, or by any means they don't stay close to each other.

This is what I believe from the experience of others, but then why every time I try to oppose people claiming this fact. This is because deep in my heart I always feel that a guy and a girl can be friends forever. A friend is one with whom you can share everything in your life, but you never own her/him because you can never be sure whether he/she will stay with you for your entire life, you can never claim that he/she will follow you for lifetime or vice-a-versa. But you usually own your love. This do clarify the difference between a friend and a love. (This is my own belief, I apologize if my this statement has hurt any one emotionally). But when a guy and a girl are close friends what makes them feel like friends or like they are in love?

I think answer to this question lies in ourself, when we approach a girl or a guy for the first time, we are very much sure for what we are approaching for and even when some circumstances make people meet, the  following consequences are always well planned with some thoughts in our mind. So we are always very much sure of the kind of relation we are expecting. But if the other person does not have the same feeling, they both mostly gets departed or they both try to be good friends. Focus on my last sentence, I have used "try to be good friends", because they control on their thoughts, emotions and try to be good friends, won't that affect the relationship that they had earlier, I think it won't.

People say first step to love is friendship, but if you are a friend to a married guy or girl, or both of them are married, or any one of them is deeply in love with some one else, then there should be no chance of ending your close friendship in love. No matter how close a guy and a girl are, feelings should be limited according to circumstances. The young generation usually don't understand the importance of relationship and tend to fall in love with people who are married or in love with some other (even though there is years of gap in their age) leading to an extra marital affairs. We being the youth of India should realize the importance of people and their relation to be happy and let other people, who are related to us, stay happy. Every relationship between a guy and a girl cannot end in love, they have to get hold at some important intermediate state called "best friends".

"Agle janam mohe bitiya hi kijo" is one of the very popular show on Zee TV, but don't worry I am not going to write anything about its episodes or that television show. I have just used this title to narrate the condition which almost every women in India is facing.

Girls or womens have to struggle throughout their entire life right from their birth to end of their life. Although the condition in India is improving, I personally feel the situation is still the worst in many parts of India. Some community in India still regrets on the birth of girl child. Some family forces girls to stay for all 24 hrs in Ghoongat. They are not even supposed to speak against their parents even though the later are at fault. They are not even asked for their opinion or not allowed to participate in decision making. This is though the situation only in some part of India, but even if one family is doing so, it hurts.

Let's forget the rural India, and talk about the urban India, the modern India. Girls are being raped, girls are asked to compromise and they end up their life into some big trouble. When a girl gets pregnant before marriage, girls are accused or blamed but guys are not even asked a single question. Is this only a girl's responsibility?

Right from the day when girls are born, they are always looked upon differently by at least few members of our society. During their teenage they are not allowed to go to play with guys even though they are good at sports. They are not supposed to talk to strangers, they are not supposed to move out of their house without informing parents. All this is good, its always better for her, but why same thing does not apply to guys as well. All their parents dream of making their son independent and some even dream of girls being independent, but every time they ask girl to be there in kitchen in her free time and learn to cook. Why a guy is not supposed to learn the other household stuffs?

I have seen parents whose daughter is a MBA, working in MNC and earning good, but they expect their girl to know cooking even though she has what 50% of guys cannot even dream. Is this not enough for her to get a good guy in her life? When a guy is studying, he is never asked to compromise on his studies and in free time he is allowed to watch movies, listen music and play than why can't a girl also do the same. If a guy can be independent and hire a cook, same applies to a girl as well.

Right from when girls get mature she only learn one thing and that is "to compromise"; to compromise with studies, with friends, with interest, with love, with job, with marriage and finally with life.

Once she get married, she changes her surname, sometimes even her name, her lifestyle and enters in a new world. She is doing so much for a guy, but guy many a times don't bother while taking a side of his parents even though they are at faults, he don't bother when he goes out and sleep with other women, he don't even bother shouting her, fighting with her. Same applies to in law parents, in particular if mother in law being a women cannot understand a girl, what worst can we expect? A husband is the biggest strength for any girl and if he does not support, how difficult it will be for her to continue with her life. She leaves her entire world for him and in return if she does not get support from him, how difficult it would be for her?

If we are asked to leave our parents, our house and asked to stay with 5 people who are very close to strangers, and if they are there to ruin your life, take away all your freedom, your liking and interest, what do you think, will you be able to survive easily? No "Mard" will be able to, even though we claim "Mard ko kabhi dard nahi hota".

It is always difficult to give up all your interest and liking of 20 to 25 years and adjust with new people. But if other members support her and help her, that won't be difficult. Guy should be smart and diplomatic, if he could not take a side of his wife in front of his parents but he should at least not take a side of his parents. Be diplomatic and than try to sort it out in personal with both of them. Always help your better half to understand your parents better, instead of lying to her and getting her into trouble later. Even parents should understand and allow their daughter in law to enjoy her life as she used to at her house.

This is just a 0.01% of problems girls have to face in India. If we go deep in every year of their life, it would be difficult even to narrate it. The purpose of writing this is to make everyone realize their mistake and think deep about improving the condition of girls and helping them achieve the respectable status in our "Purush Parathan Samaaj".

You must be thinking that falling in love is same everywhere on the globe then why am I writing specifically about India? What's so different about falling in love in India? But if you have experienced  it, you can clearly make out how falling in love is different in India? I am going to talk only about the experience of guys who were truly in love and not just looking out of sleeping with girls and than ditching them. I know almost 70% of guys fall in love or claims to fall in love only to enjoy sex or to get "Stud" status among his friends. So I am not going to talk about those 70% of guys but I am going to talk about 30% of poor guys who are truly in love.

So normally, how love story starts? A guy see a girl, fall in love, propose her, girl accepts the proposal and they lived happily ever after. But in India it is very different, a guy see a girl, even girl look at a guy (at least in Y2K generation this happens) they both like each other and somehow after struggling so many times and making hell lot of attempts, this guy successfully make a point to propose a friendship with her and  that too not directly; either by helping her in some of her problems or assignments (in college or office). Obviously he cannot directly approach girl with "I like you" or "I love you" otherwise he will be slapped or will be ignored for the entire life. So to be on a safer side, he somehow manipulates his thoughts and settle down to friendship.

Now he cannot reveal it to his friends because if he do so he will soon either become a talk of town or joke of the day and soon he will find himself as a stand up comedian in front of his so called love. So he claims saying that "we are just friends" to his friends as well as to his love. Now if he is good looking and smart enough to take on the responsibilities of girl, somehow girl accepts his proposal of friendship, particularly if the guy has contributed in many cute and good things in her's life.

And girls, I will tell you will never let go or miss any single chance to use him at fullest in all her stuffs. Girls are growing smarter now. The poor guy in love, claiming to be the best friend of her have to do what she says thinking that this will strengthen their relationship and someday she might accept her proposal.

Slowly and gradually their friendship grows stronger and this would certainly take not less than 1 or 2 years. He, after waiting for so long, somehow manages to gather some confidence to propose her. Assuming that all 100% of guys in this condition manages to gather the confidence and decides to propose her on one fine day. Out of those, for 50% of guys on the very same day when he had thought of proposing her, she either comes with a guy introducing him as her boyfriend or tells him the love story of her life. Till than she never had a time either to share her love life or talk about her boyfriend. So they end up there love story either by helping his friend to get married with her boyfriend or they cut down every possible contacts with her.

Out of remaining 50% cases, 30% of girls refuses the proposal of love saying that "I have never thought you in that way, I have always considered you as my best friend." However from these cases if the guy is smart & lucky enough which has a probability of only 10%, girls turn up to him by accepting his proposal after taking some days or months or may be even years (I think most of girls look out for some more options by that time or checks how much he loves her?). While remaining 20% accepts the truth and either try to continue their friendship or try to forget her and move on.

So last but not the least only those 20% percent of lucky guys get success in proposing her love on right time and lucky enough to get the response in acceptance of the proposal.

So is this the happy ending for those 20% of guys or still there is something there to bother them? Of course yes, how can falling in love so very easy in India? Now comes the biggest challenge, convincing their parents. Imagine, proposing her and getting acceptance or convincing a girl whom he loves, took him months and years, by what time he will be able to convince both families, where he will have to convince on an average 5 members per family? In India almost 10% of girls are afraid of talking to their parents about her boyfriend and thus everything is now left on the convincing power of a guy, his family background, his job and two most important factors such as "Kundli" and "Caste". If a boy's family or girl's family are reluctant to the marriage they can argue on any of the above factors and in particular the last two and the poor guy (and girl as well) will don't have any answer for factors like Kundli and Caste. He has no option but to elude, of course if girl is ready for it. Hardly 5% of guys from those 20% are lucky to get success in convincing their parents while remaining 15% have either to escape or compromise with their love life.

So if you count the conversion ratio of love getting converted into happy marriage it is only 5% in India. If every year 1000 guys in India are falling in love (true love) only 50 guys successfully gets married with support of their family. Thus falling in love in India is not that easy. In fact I have not discussed the post marriage situation in this article other wise the conversion ratio of happy marriage would be worst. Of course after marriage a guy does not have to face much of the challenges, but the main challenge actually starts for girl and this in turn imposes some challenges for a guy like making a choice between a loving wife (his beloved) and respectable mom (the reason of his existence).

I know I am biased towards guys but problems for girls starts only after a guy has proposed her, but for a guy challenges starts much before a guy propose her and lasts till they happily get married and sometimes even after that. I apologize to girls for being biased towards boys and I am very well aware about the challenges that girls have to face after marriage, but in a journey of falling in love in India (till they get married), a guy have to suffer more.

Sach ka Samna the reality show on television was a big hit. Have you ever wonder why it was one of the biggest hit among television reality shows? May be because people are interested in knowing personal information of celebrities, or may be people are interested in watching celebrities getting humiliated or may be every one knows that none of us can claim that "we always speak truth, we have never kept anything secret or private from our near ones and we will never lie even though we have everything on stake".

How many can confidently come forward and claim that they have never lied? I haven't met a single human being on this earth who has not lied in his/her entire life. We get a call and we are not in good mood so we don't pick up the phone saying it was either on silent or it was not with me. We don't realize but with technology becoming integral part of our life we are lying at each and every second with someone or other. We are in fact lying to our own self.

Sach ka Samna would be one of the worst reality show on television according to me but I think by watching that show made me realize how we are lying for some unnecessary stuffs, where in fact if we can speak truth we could have been in better situation. We are actually addicted and are more or less dependent on giving excuses and lying to our own self and people who are close to us. We lie to our self, our parents, our friends, our college/office mates, our siblings and to each and everyone. Most of the sales man lie about their products (they had to other wise who will feed their family), politicians make fake promises and give excuses, celebrities advertise the brands that they would have never owned (exception is always there, Shah Rukh Khan owns the brands he promotes). Rich people lie because they cannot reveal their property or they are used to lying because that made them rich and common people lie because they need to match up with those rich guys because they also dream of buying Mercedes and BMW.

The point is, if we can realize the way we lie in our life we can improve on it. But the toughest part is that we are not able to realize where and when we are lying, it has become the part of our daily routine and we will keep on doing it unless our conscious does not realize it. And realizing is near to impossible because we are used to it or in other word addicted.

Today we are so very much addicted that we say "Agar kisi ke bhale ke liye juth bola gaya ho to use juth nahi kehte (if we lie for betterment of others, it is not called lie)". But the fact is that we lie only to avoid trouble in our life. We are in habit of getting everything in shortcut and that is why we think if by lying once or twice we can maintain our relationship, our job, our security, our status, etc. what's wrong in it. The fact is we don't just lie for one or two time but we keep on doing it for our entire life and to hide one lie we make deliberate act to deviate from it many times and it never stops.

It is a high time we realize and do something to face the truth so that we don't have to face any such reality show in future that has to make us realize to be honest.